Jason the Jerk: Signs of an Abusive Relationship

It has been such a long time since I posted a blog. So much has happened too! Like 10 blog posts worth of material. First thing is that I am no longer in Nanchang. I am now in the beautiful city of Hangzhou. It is truly lovely here. I’ll definitely post a video showing everyone the beauty of West Lake.

When I was thinking what to write about. I was tempted to write about a happy memory I have so many of those since moving to Hangzhou. My last post was a sad one. However , I think it is very important to share my experiences about my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend.  Maybe one of  my readers is going through a similar  situation. Hopefully my story will give them the strength to kick the creep to curb.

Jason came sometimes into my life a time that I was extremely vulnerable. I was at my weakest. I just wanted to be loved. In China, sometimes it is difficult  for bigger girls to find love. This is not always the case, my friend and fellow blogger Life Behind the Wall has  to beat them away with a stick. I think we all need  to bottle up whatever  she has.

Back track 5 months ago, I was having issues leaving the university in Nanchang.  They were  making things extremely difficult. They tend  to do that when you are leaving a school. I was frustrated and lost my temper with them. This is a very bad thing because you are labeled as dangerous. There was one foreign  teacher who got so frustrated by them that  he threw a chair. I only slammed a door.

I needed reinforcements to come down to  help me. Someone who knew a great deal about Chinese culture.  A month before my friend intoduced me to this guy named Jason.  Jason was good looking and was attracted to black girls.  He also lived in Hangzhou, the city that I would be moving to! New job, new man! I was so excited. My life was looking a bit brighter.  He even liked dogs. He found a stray dog and  took it in. AWWWWWWW!!!!! Jason was my Prince Charming in my eyes. I took a trip to Hangzhou  to meet him and we spent an amazing weekend together. I was in love!!!!  I already secured an apartment in Hangzhou.  Jason and I decided  to live together,  Oh just a sidenote, relationships in China tend to move rather quickly.

Then shit fit the fan at my school, I needed a clean up man. Well Jason f Jason and Ihe bill. He was Chinese. My friend who knew him told him about my problems that I might have  to go back to America because my school was refusing  to give documentation to me that was necesary to begin the Visa process at my new school. Now my only crime was slamming the freaking door.

So Jason comes to Nanchang bearing gifts  and bribes for school officials. Now the Jason that came to Nanchang was very different than the man I spent hours talking to on Weixin(social app for the phone) H ewas very angry and  a bit mean. I contributed it to the situation.  He negotiated daily with my school  even had  to pay them money. The negotiations lasted for 3 days.

During that time  he lashed out at me because I  did not cook for  him, had  no food in my house(i was moving to Hangzhou in a week). I was a bad housekeeper. He also didn’t like my toy poodle Baobao, who slept on the bed.  I again thought that this was due  to stress and just took all the emotional abuse, afterall this guy, my knight came  down to help  me. He took leave from his job to help clean up my mess.

He helped me  pack my things. Yes,  he got the necesary paperwork for me.  He treated some  of my favorite students to dinner. According to him, none  of these students liked me. He said they told him in Chinese that he can get a better Chinese girl and why would he be with someone like me who was fat and ugly. He then told me that none of them were my friends and that I was stupid to believe that they liked.

When we were on the bus , he  told me many people on the bus thought that I was a man. This continued and escalated as we settled into Hangzhou. Soon he was saying things like no Chinese people actually liked me because I was fat and Chinese people hate fat people. He hated my natural hair.  He really didn’t like the way that I looked. He said that I was lucky that he was patient enough to give me time to fix my flaws. Also everyday he would bring up the Nanchang Incident as proof of what he did for me.

During this time he also began isolating me from my friends.   The friend who set me up with him became public enemy number one. He felt she was a wanton woman. He said that she did not come to help me when I needed help.  He was the only person that I could depend on.  Now 5 months later, I realized that he  was trying to cut me off from my support group. So he could control me. The scary thing is that he almost succeeded. His downfall was that he became  too controlling and mean. In a sense my poodle saved me.

After Peanut died, I got an older dog, a toy poodle named BaoBao. I think he  was over 4 years old. I dressed him up and  he became my close companion. He barely understood me because he only understood Chinese. I loved that dog. Jason started  to beat my dog. He also beat his dog. Chinese people have a different way of raising dogs than Americans, however I still think Jason was extremely abusive. He  would beat them for over 20 minutes until they defecated.

During that period, I hated the person that I became, I did nothing to help the poor dogs. Poor Baobao looked  so sad, his eyes were pleading with me to save him. I was so beaten down, I had no strength. I knew that what Jason was doing was wrong, but was so  emotionally crippled and powerless. I was a  ghost during that time  barely alive. I didn’t want Jason to get mad at the dogs and hurt them. I tried  to cover up for them. One day BaoBao pooped in Jason’s shoes. this happened during Spring Festival. We were both off work. Jason locked the dogs in the cage  for 3 days and would not give them food and water. I begged and pleaded with him. I went to get them water and food. He banged the table and said next time it would  be my face if I did not listen to him.

After that he said he could not have  children or marry someone who loved animals so much. He said it was unnatural and that I would make a terrible mother. He also said that he did not want to have children with me because our child would be stigmatized because they would be half black. He didn’t like the way Blasian children looked. During this time my heart was  turning away from him. This was due  to his ill-treatment of the dogs and my anger of  him causing a rift between my friend. Plus I realized that he  did not love me. Yet he was still there.

Meanwhile i was trying to find a safe place for BaoBao, I failed miserably in protecting him from danger.  I was a bad mom to him. Jason threatened  to kill him. He said one day he would kill the dog and eat him.  Jason and I began to argue constantly, I was fed up with the abuse. after our fights he would leave home for days. . Those days that  he was gone, I felt relief.  The dogs were happy that he was gone.But he always came back. He made a big pretense of leaving me. I found people who fell in love with BaoBao, they also wanted  to take Jason’s dog. I was honest about the level of abuse.  Jason refused to give up his dog. He was not home when i texted him.

During the times he was away, I reconciled with my friends in China. I told my friends everything that occurred with Jason. They idea how intense things got. My divas gave me strength and love. My one friend in Hangzhou never gave up on me.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when the rent was due. Jason refused  to contribute  any money. In China, you have  to pay 3 month rent in advance. Jason refused to pay a portion of the rent. I was still getting probationary pay, so it would just be enough and i could not have enough to survive. All of a sudden  I saw red. The rent became my sole responsibility! The bastard was on the lease! I broke up with him, I was so upset I told him to leave  and  he refused.  I began hyperventilating. Then he began to at nice trying to get me to calm down. I called my friend and  she said call the police.

Calling the police when you don’t know the language is a harrowing yet comical experience, however there was an officer who knew English and policemen were sent  to my home. I had  to go to the station with Jason and file reports. I told the English-speaking officer all about Jason. My friend who speaks fluent  Chinese also spoke to the officers. Then Jason and the police were talking in Chinese. the officer left us alone  for a bit and Jason said  see look what you done. I answered do not speak to me.

It was agreed that Jason would leave the apartment. He still had a place in another  area of Hangzhou. He took his dog and some of his things. He promised to get the rest of his thing in a few days. This time he never came back.

Fast forward 3 months later. I have rebuilt my life. I got a mini makeover. I am seeing my old friends more often. I began dating again. I have a new puppy named Oreo. Life is good. I am happy with my little life. Well guess who contacted me and wants me  back? I refused. He was in my neighborhood and invited me for breakfast. He claims that  he missed me  and called me 6 times at 5am in the  morning  3 weeks ago. He said missed me. I feel nothing for him, no emotion.  I told him that I threw away his things after he asked me to get it. I then blocked him. Jason has no place in my future.

So readers, I expose myself to you.Please if you are in a similar situation kick the creepster to the curb! Jason used my weakness to control me.

I am more careful vetting my men now. In retrospect, there were signs early on that Jason was an abusive person. I just refused  to see them and I began rationalizing them. Onward to a happier life  for me. I will never lose  sight of myself in a relationship. I don’t ever want that version of Amber to return.

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rentec
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 19:04:17

    Thanks for putting your soul and life out there. I don’t think anyone will disparage you for your experience. Hopefully, there will be someone who will gather strength from it and make similar changes in their life.

    Reply

  2. melissa
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 19:12:34

    What a sronge women u are god got ur back remember u can always turn to god and u believe in him he will help u out good and bad times nevdr turn ur back on him sound like u had a rough time im sorry I wish u could talk to me im always here if u need to vent lesly and I love u always here for ur sista we m7ss you if I was ui would take things slow after this I would make sure u find out what really about the man is and dont get or give too much out im here for ya im glad u moved on and moved proud of u 🙂

    Reply

  3. david mc dowell
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 19:54:50

    Wow Cuz.. What an ordeal.. Long story short, my ex put me through absolute Bloody Hell, but I was able to finally get rid of her by loaning her some cash.. No pay back, no contact.. Not bad.. I can live with that. You’ll rebound and star in your own show in Hangzhou.. Jason the Jerk can and will go and terrorize someone else.. Enjoy your life.. That is why you are where you are. Next year will be an exciting one for me, because I plan on returning to Thailand to create a situation of where I could have 6-8 week working vacations in my old stomping grounds for the next 10-12 years.

    Reply

  4. zakybad
    Jun 21, 2014 @ 18:55:53

    Good for you in leaving him!! I was in a similar situation for nearly 7years and only after going to china for my birthday and didn’t have any contact with him did I realise he was no good for me, women should be aware that their self esteem is a strong influence on their choices and decisions and should learn to thinks with their brains even when their hearts scream louder. Well done again! P.S Love your blog

    Reply

  5. Shelley
    Jun 25, 2014 @ 17:37:39

    I cannot say that I was ever in a simular situation but I just want to give you major respect. Hearing what you endured with this man is just horrible & then throw in the fact that you are in a country where English isn’t the 1st language spoken. I want to give you a big hug & commend you on your courage & bravery in getting out of that horrible situation. I’m so very happy for you & glad life is going great for you there in China. You certainly deserve it

    Reply

  6. thefrocker
    Jun 29, 2014 @ 18:16:30

    I’m SO GLAD that you were able to get away and that you are fine now. Thank you for writing about this, even though I’m sure it was difficult. Hopefully, this will help some other women know what signs to look out for.

    Again, I’m so glad you’re okay.

    Reply

  7. chinaelevatorstories
    Jul 01, 2014 @ 15:37:30

    Just came across this post. Oh my, so sorry to hear about this! You’re brave for standing up for yourself and speaking out!

    Reply

  8. Ghostfromforest
    Jul 02, 2014 @ 02:32:35

    Good for you-standing up for yourself in a situation like that takes a lot of courage you should be proud of yourself and may your story serve as inspiration for others.

    Reply

  9. Annette Williams Thompson
    Jul 15, 2014 @ 00:44:30

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it will help a lot of people. I’m so proud of you for taking your life back and dumping Jason. You deserve a good man!

    Reply

  10. 1kusogaki
    Aug 06, 2014 @ 08:58:47

    Hi Amber,

    I’ve been an avid follower of your blog since last year when I decided that I wanted to go to China. Nevertheless this did not happen in the end. Yep it’s my first ever comment but only because I feel that it’s necessary.

    In reality I think that you need to love yourself a lot more. Maybe I’m wrong, but from the moment (or even before) you got to China you were hoping for the fairytale story like your friend (who I also keep up with).

    I do not want it to appear like I condone the recent events as I certainly do not, but do believe that you can use this as an opportunity to move forward, both you and Oreo. Try to start taking up hobbies, I for one am glad that you are connecting with people again. Try to forget about men and use this time as a period of self growth. It’s often when we are most secure in ourselves that the right offers start coming.

    It is good that you’ve added this situation to your blog. Is there a chance of adding a list of the signs?

    Good luck for the future.

    Reply

    • aquariusamber
      Sep 03, 2014 @ 09:02:39

      It took me awhile to approve this post. At first I was offended. Then I re read it several times. I think you are only getting a small glimpse of my life through my blog., I didn’t write about Jason immediately and I was hesitant to write about him. It was a serious low point in my life. I see it now as a lesson that I needed to learn about myself. Jason and I were two mismatched souls who crossed paths. I did love Chang Min dearly and we still communicate. The problem is that I could not support his dream. I regret how much, that I hurt him. I wanted more stability. If hoping to find love seems like seeking a fairy tale ending then I am gladly guilty of it. I am not man crazy as your comment suggests. We all want to to love an be loved.

      ANY woman can end up in an emotionally abusive or physically abusive relationship. Even a “STRONG” woman. They don’t only prey on the weak they also like to break the strong. I have seen that instance as well. I hope I don’t sound too defensive and I hope that you still continue to read my blog.

      There was a long time from when I posted the Jason blog and the time that it actually occurred. A time of reflection and self discovery and mindless play ;). Am I a fully evolved human being? H-E double hockey sticks no! No one can reach that higher state of zen so quickly. I can’t be a nun to love. I think more of it does have to deal with my weight even the strongest women here in China have their moment of weakness. Once i lost weight, I felt like the old me again. To me health and happiness are interlinked.

      I still encourage you to come, don’t give up on your dreams of living and teaching abroad

      I wasn’t looking for Leon it just happened. Who knows where the road may go i am just going forward.

      Reply

      • 1kusogaki
        Oct 23, 2014 @ 12:46:11

        Firstly, I’m glad that you are getting back to your old self. Secondly, I’m glad that you managed to recognise that it was not intended to offend.

        You are right when you say that I only have a glimpse of your life as well as for the fact that the situation can occur with any person. I apologise for any misinterpretations that I may have acquired as well as for any offense which I may have caused as despite how it may have seemed, this was not my intention.

        Like many other comments I do wholly respect you for sharing such a topic.

        I’ll continue to read and will be hoping for the best for you over there.

  11. Elisabeth
    Sep 28, 2014 @ 00:28:51

    Thanks for sharing your vulnerable thoughts. I found your blog through the group you used to be a part of on FB. I hope I can reach out to you as I am moving to China in a couple months to work as a speech pathologist.

    Reply

  12. xiulan
    Nov 14, 2014 @ 00:44:39

    I found your blog. I really enjoy it. I will be going back to Huzhou in the new year for good. I would like to ask you questions if you are available. I am so happy that there are other AA women who visit China and find love.

    Reply

  13. Lucy
    Apr 17, 2015 @ 20:31:15

    Not the dogs! Not the poor doggies. I love dogs/all animals and can’t bare to see them hurt. I hope Baobao is happy now and am glad you finally had the strength to get him out of such a terrible situation. I’m so sad for the jerk’s dog though.
    Where ever Jason is I hope he is miserable.
    I hope you’re happy and stronger now. you know what they say, what doesn’t kill you…

    Reply

    • aquariusamber
      Apr 18, 2015 @ 06:52:12

      Yeah a very low moment in my life but read my other posts Lucy, things got a lot better. I have another dog now. I still wish I had the strength then to get Jason out of my life sooner. I miss Baobao. He was a cutie. I actually recently opened my heart and forgave Jason the Jerk and LEON the Liar. Forgiveness is best way for my self healing. They both taught me a valuable lesson.

      Reply

  14. autumnashbough
    May 15, 2015 @ 16:33:50

    What a horror! That’s awful. It must have been so tough, far from home, and I am so glad you called the police anyway. Yeah, there was a lot of false advertising form Mr. Jason. Depriving a dog of water, what a bastard. I am so glad you managed to escape, and you are very brave to open yourself up in the hope that your story will help someone else. Hugs.

    Reply

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